Winter.

So, January. In Glasgow. Some argue February is harsher. I’m not sure. They kind of clump together under the same “wish it was over” portion of the year. The harshness is an amalgamation of weather (cold, wet, grey, dark) and mentality (cold, grey, and dark).

Every year I look forward to December 21st as the turning point where I get to see the sun, or at least what makes it through the clouds, for longer. At least we’re past that. Last January was the last time I saw my madre. That was in Paris, where I also got to meet my longtime friends A, B, and P in the flesh for the first time. It was also in Paris where I received the job opportunity which turned into my current job at the climbing centre. January wasn’t so bad last year at all. February I really can’t remember.

Anyway, we’re here in the now. January 2014. I am struggling to keep it together, but I know that at some level it’s only temporary. The problem is not knowing at which level. Is it that I’ll just have to keep doing this until I break? Is it that I’ll be offered some amazing PhD opportunity and just have to work some of the time? I am constantly repositioning the responsibilities of my life according to wherever the train of thought tracks lead. Most of the time it’s into a tunnel that I can’t see the end of, so I snap back to reality and start over.

Life is hard here. It’s good but hard. I think some people even call that ‘rewarding.’ I’m learning all the time. For instance, I can cook now. I won’t kill anyone with improperly prepared meat dishes or bad flavor (maybe bland, but not bad). I’ve also made a few friends through my newest workplace and am hoping that these kinds of bonds continue to be meaningful and enjoyable. But with friends and culinary skills comes poverty. I’m always broke. Always. And I hate it. I work so much and my earnings are gone before I can see them. Council tax, PAYE tax, rent, etc. It’s easily half of my wages, and that means I’m doing all this and not getting a chance to treat myself, even to something like Ben & Jerry’s, without feeling extremely guilty.

It’s a hard way to live, but as I’ve mentioned, it feels somewhat temporary. I don’t know how to justify why it’s going to end at all, other than a feeling. So seasons come and go and blend and days get longer, shorter, then longer again. Last year I didn’t get to go back home — back west. I was enveloped in the constant ‘things will get better,’ bogged down in the day by day and never had a chance to save or plan.

Is it stupid to be hopeful? Sometimes I think yes, very. Other times I realise I can’t just snap my fingers, blink my eyes and make all the struggle go away. Human condition, etc., etc.

So, January. Cold and dark and wet and grey. Particularly today. Half three and the sun is on its way out and I’m trying to be creative and productive while still resting on my day off. What is life if not a constant search to balance things best so that pleasure can somehow seep through now and again?